He said that was an appropriate way to describe how things are changing.
But really, we had clicked. I found him online (which, I usually avoid like the plague, but one of my coworkers was going on dates and I simply thought it would be fun to go on a date, even if I expected it to be terrible). I was messaging heavily with three other men, when after a few brief exchanges, Rob sent me his number and told me to give him a call. After the hour-long conversation, it was fair to say I was excited to meet him.
Our first date lasted 15 hours (as the good ones often do), six weeks ago, and continued in similar fashion weekend after weekend until this morning. It's been a while since I've felt anything for anyone in a long time. To be honest, it's been a while since I've allowed myself to feel anything for anyone. When I said it's "Time to love again," I didn't hold back. This isn't to say I wasn't cautious or that I jumped in head first (and, you know, I noted a few red flags), but finding someone who makes you laugh and that you want to snuggle with is a rare thing.
Last week, I was a little confused when he was saying "Goddammit, I like you. That's the only problem!" while referencing me to others as HIS chick and HIS babe. I visited him Thursday evening, and we parted, with an amicable "See you!" mentality, I headed to the shore with my friends, and as I was driving to drop my friend off in a town close to where he lives, he called and I swung back over. But a few shots of whiskey, and he freaked out again. In short, it's too serious, it's too couple-y when he doesn't want to be attached. And this has nothing to do with me: he thinks I am awesome, and he'd "wife me up" if he was looking for that... but he doesn't want an every-weekend girl, or more than that.
And he told me he has love for me, which I believe, but wants to scale it back. He wants to do him, and be unrestrained by my desires. (I believe him. When I was in my early twenties, I told someone the very same thing, so I understand that it's impossible to invest in another person, despite truly liking them, when you want to do you). So, we still have dinner reservations at Philly's restaurant week in a couple of weeks from now. He said I could bail if I want to, but he still wants to bring me. I think, by then, this sting will fade. I'm not even feeling as if he is wrong, but it's sad to have your fun squashed or your vacation abruptly ended. I live at home (which I don't want), was recently interviewing for a position in the San Francisco Bay Area (which I am still interested in), and was merely playing life by the ear awaiting lightning to strike, and the next wave of life to pull me out to sea. I didn't expect that the most exciting thing to happen this summer would be to fall for a Jersey Boy.
In reaction, I told him that it doesn't have to be True Love, but that out there somewhere, some psychologist theorized "Physical Attraction / Intimacy + Emotional / Mental intimacy = Romance." He liked that, and as an afterthought, perhaps that final spoke, "Commitment" that yields True Love (when properly executed) is best neglected anyways. Because Commitment, with pulling back emotional intimacy yields "Emptiness." (Though commitment to emotional intimacy, without physically intimacy is still good: Friendship). Again, the sting is still there, so I'll give it a week to marinate.
The funnier little twists of fate are that, in the interim, I did two little psychic readings (my thing?) that were independently scheduled separate from dating. I went to catch a live taping of "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart" in New York City, and my friend asked if I wanted to pop into another friend's crystal-magic type shop. A numerologist was there, and impulsively, I handed over my $25.00 and asked for a reading. She began to tell me my most compatible signs, and I asked her about Rob's birthday. At first, she frowned, and said "Well, I never tell anyone to call things off based on the numbers" but then perked up when she realized he's a "Capricorn 2" (whatever that means) and she said "2015 is the year of Capricorn" (she's right - I Googled it - though I still don't know what it means) and that I'm in a "2 year." She was, in fact, delighted, and told me to stick with him for the time being, because I clearly had manifested someone who would provide me a good year. And then, while just down the shore this past Saturday, I visited Cora's, a well-known "psychic" booth in Ocean City, NJ (in between Rob visit one and Rob visit two). The reader flipped over a Knight Tarot Card, then immdiately followed with a Queen. She told me that my last relationship would never have worked because a Queen needs a King. Her next card flip was a King, and if I hadn't shuffled the cards myself, would have thought she was faking me out. "A King will enter your life soon" then she told me she was getting the initials "J.R.... J.R.... J.R.... Or he's a junior, maybe..." I said "I've actually been seeing someone whose initials are R.J. and he is named after his dad." The reader told me "HE is your king."
I suppose I'm just over-analyzing. What I should do is walk away, but who can walk so easily away from someone who, not only do I like, but also likes me? I think what I'll do is just do me. Make 100% selfish decisions, go on my 100% selfish vacations, and put my life in a position that when I AM ready for True Love and not just True Romance, all of the i's are dotted and t's are crossed, and I'm not simply vacationing in someone else's life (and arms), but living.
Thank you, handsome Rob. You are a King, and you have a little place in my heart. I'm bummed to say goodbye to the snuggles, though! xo